I only have a few days left here, and the feeling is bittersweet, but mostly just plain sweet.
In the center of this town there’s an oasis of academic study, one that includes the honorable memory of Jamie Lee Curtis’s attendance back in 1978. For these institutions I am utterly grateful for, and should the opportunity arise, as I may have mentioned, I would gladly work at either. Both have gorgeous and beautiful campuses, one with ivy growing all over walls made of brick where the rustic colors of stained glass peek through with symmetric and gothic proportion, and the other has a wealth of large pine trees that meet the challenge of their four-story building counterparts all the while emitting a gracious fragrance and endowing the grounds with precious shade and idyllic beauty.
Outside of this five mile radius of blissful obscurity, the scene is much different, thus my reason for labeling such as obscure: it is painfully obscure to the drone and dread of the wasteland by which it is immersed. To describe these outer edges wouldn’t be worth the effort, but the essence lying beneath this description is why I find myself not altogether sad about moving. Aside from being terrorized in front of my house almost daily, every time I’d go to the car or ride my bike, I also managed to keep myself from developing any deep-seated commitments, a task that was often discouraging, even downright painful at times. For these reasons my departure will be less emotionally impacting, much anticipated, and very much welcome.
With this move comes also the discomfort of knowing I’ve still got a long ways to go, especially in comparison to friends I can think of who’ve gone on to do great things for themselves many years ago, and yet here I am hobbling along. If I think about these issues, I do myself a great disservice, therefore I am choosing not to dwell on the matter. I don’t wish bad things on my former friends who’ve done very well with their lives, I simply hope that something good will eventually happen for me, in spite of how angry I am about essentially being still submerged in a state of financial terrorization.
The path that led me here is not the path leading me out. I came by source of destitution, where the events sadly allowed me to identify so well with Shelley’s monster, one of the several reasons why her work so inspired me to write. I leave by a different path, where the hope I’ve sowed for myself comes not from a miracle or some source of divine intervention, no. The hope I’ve discovered has come from the frustration I’ve endured through my understanding of the people and laws connected to services instituted for the purpose of helping people, are unreliable. If you become seriously injured without a settlement, your life will be completely and thoroughly, utterly demolished, especially if you have no family to turn to. This frustration bent and toyed with my mind, yet some intrinsic survival instinct forced me to overrule many negative thoughts of dying and to endure hours and years of hardship. One grueling step in front of the next has placed me in the position of becoming something better. Will I seek revenge on those crappy services that didn’t do shit? I doubt this, what good would it do.
In the end I suppose the nature of life is simply the way matters unfold. In a herd of fleeting deer, the weak and the wounded are left behind to face the jaws of the wolves, plain and simple; at the end of the run you don’t see too many deer grieving over the loss of their less fortunate cohorts. On the other hand, nature has many delicate streams that evolve from melting snow and mountains that look glorious encompassed by their mist and their low-lying clouds. Maybe a camping trip is waiting for me somewhere on the distant horizon.
As for the move itself, to keep from having to buy groceries, I’ve been relying on my stockpile of soup to get me through till I’m situated. I bought a can of this stuff on every other trip to the market, and it looks like my motive for doing so has come to fruition, though I sense another pizza could be in the works…