I’ve reached another stage in my life that equates stepping up onto one more step, a step that is menacingly in the middle of a long staircase. I imagine the steps that are carved into a seaside cliff, where the wind blows, and one has to take great care not to fall. I remember being on steps like that at Santa Cruz, and I remember how the steps, with each one, rose only about 3inches, which is about how these life steps in my life actually feel like.
I have a week for spring break, which is better than the Christmas break because I don’t have to worry about getting out of synch with academia. I actually feel motivated to work on some of my own stuff, though the way academia has affected my life, I don’t even know where or what to work on; but I’m motivated to work on something, and I wasn’t at Christmas, so this is good.
I’m trying to find ways to keep myself from the abyss, and I’m meeting with some success. I have actually received critical reviews on my work from higher class academics, reviews on works that stray immensely from the work I produced here on the bloggy. These are the strange types of life events that result from those hours of solitude, where I feel like nothing is ever going to come to fruition, that the work is for the purpose of a grade. Then comes the rumor and the positivism, rumor and positivism centered around my work even, and suddenly I feel like something somewhere happened that was worthwhile. Maybe my mind functions like this because ultimately, I would just rather be working, making money, and being in a position to build a life with someone. This is not the case however, but for my small successes and ray beams of serendipity, I take what I can get, use them for fuel, and press forward with the object of life, whatever it is this life wants me to achieve.
Now I have a busy week of riding, getting used to the sun again, letters to write to a number of fellow academics, and I intend to start in on the class work as well. This quarter’s focus will enlighten me to Virginia Woolf’s work, and though I had one of her other books targeted, I never had the chance to read it. So now I’m lucky enough to not only read, but to perform a fully in-depth close reading, analysis, study and report, which is o so good because this is what I like to do…aside from writing fiction. I also have time this quarter around to work, which means I’ll be devoting some time to job-searching. So really, the fun keeps going and going on this end.