It Will Seep In

My mind can get pulled in all sorts of different directions when negotiating the ride, which makes all of this very strange. Going through this, as well, I admire the others who are pulling it off too. I know of one other person doing school right now instead of working at my age, and I am sympathizing with their predicament because I am relating. I just hope we all succeed. The strange part comes in when I examine my feelings before, how I allowed them to rule my thoughts, but then the process of dealing with my situation puts me in a position where different types of thinking seep in, whether I want them to, or whether I’m consciously aware of it or not. Unconsciously working against this change are those acquired frustrations, and together the realism of going through what I had to go through to get here, and the life-changing experience of actually being here, they collide and they tangle like restless familiar dogs that don’t like each other.

I’ve got the system down now, which is hip, but one thing I couldn’t fathom would be trying to negotiate UC without the internet. To think of this just doesn’t compute, and I’m imagining all the lines and the paper that must have transacted in the days past. On the contrary, our Psych 101 professor told us how he got through an entire semester for around $50.00 in the early sixties. How times have changed on that end. What I notice most is how the inter-connectivity of people is what makes this all work, and so to be isolated, is to be left behind. All this leads to the realization that seeking leads to finding, and finding what works seeps into the system of doing things, because it works.

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7 Responses to It Will Seep In

  1. woowooteacup says:

    The thing I remember about college pre-internet was the lines – waiting in line to sign up for classes; waiting in line to deal with financial aid; waiting in line to pay for classes, etc. etc. Watching Hubby go through college recently, he definitely had all of that easier than I did.

  2. jnanarama says:

    If you aren’t referring to me, then you know two people juggling poverty and school and other challenges at forty-something. I think there are quite a few of us, actually, just not very visible, although it feels like it.

  3. jnanarama says:

    Oh wait. I didn’t mean to imply by saying “poverty” that I struggle at the same level as you do. I came back to say that because I’m too well aware of how I feel when others think they know what my struggles are.

  4. LK says:

    Howdy stranger.

    I didn’t make anything of what you meant or what you thought you meant, just so long as you’re doing okay I hope.

    Where’s your blog at? Link?

  5. jnanarama says:

    I overthink, it’s my hallmark.

    No blog these days. I’m drowning in an accelerated grad program of which I have no undergrad training. It’s all new. 24 months from beginning to end like a whirlpool that I’m drowning in, looking up dizzy and hoping some of it sinks into me, because I’ll be doing it before I know it with a state-issued license, and a lot of people looking to me for help… Help! In the fall I have two days a week in an internship, two other days in a clinic, plus grad classes. Summer school throughout the summer. Maybe 5 days break. I’m just a mess. I don’t even write. Totally overwhelming. I spent 7 hours waiting for jury duty selections today but didn’t have to go in. Thursday I have another courthouse challenge, making sure my ex does not fuck with my son’s mind anymore and scare the crap out of him with his rages. Wish me luck.

  6. LK says:

    I do wish you much luck dear friend, and you have inspired me (everyone) to carry on the torch of perseverance.

    Yours, the way it sounds, will be rewarding once it’s all done. I’m certain you won’t regret it.

    Take it easy on yourself, though.

  7. jnanarama says:

    Today was such a hard day. I looked at the clouds billowing up there and it was nearly the only reason I had to be positive about anything. I talk myself through life as an act of will. Know of which I speak? I may need to continue my journaling here bec. facebook friends do not need to know about my pains. That is the same old link made accessible.

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