Patience Can Exist

Creating and applying the title of this post only to juxtapose it beneath a blog title such as mine is a bit oxymoronic, I agree. But such is the case for me. I seem to be caught in a vortex of continually working toward the things I want, and never actually having them. Hahaha. (To have heard this would be to have heard a quick spurt of laughter that ended abruptly.) At any rate, I’ve always seemed to have thought I possessed a measure of patience. I remember I wanted to play guitar better than anyone, so I diligently pursued the task of practicing day and night until I got good. That took patience. To think about the things I would like to do before I die, fundamental things everyone else my age has already done, I seem to lose sight of patience. In this way, I have to look at the factors that add to the nature of my impatience, since my impatience is serving no one. Thus, I have added a new weapon to the arsenal of further developing patience.

Coming to terms to actually write this post was difficult, and for a minute there, I was completely incapacitated. My head was achy and spacey and I felt incomparably unmotivated. I’ve only done a minimal search on the horrors of quitting caffeine, but after six years, I’ve finally taken the plunge.

As I understand the American machine of caffeine productivity as a business, I grew to understand the rudiments of what I had gotten myself involved with. With alcoholism, companies exist that produce the most degrading and base forms of liquor that contain high alcohol contents for low prices. With these products in mind, some of the most successful people have been reduce to drinking such brands for the instant buzz, especially when they realize they can’t afford the good stuff anymore. Such companies have employees with families of which their primary customers are homeless bums with barely any clothes. The caffeine industry works the same way, only luckily the effects are not as drastic. Nevertheless, such companies that produce these high-sugar, high-caffeine content drinks are maintained by people with families. People are hooked on the feeling derived by the high concentrations of sugar/caffeine, and the business essentially and loosely operates on the conditions of the addiction model. I am paying them to live well while I feel like crap. But what does caffeine really do?

The caffeine molecule binds to the neurochemical receptors in the brain that produce adrenaline. Adrenaline is a stress response hormone that alerts the muscles to take action when the body senses immediate danger. When caffeine is used, that would mean the body is in a false state of heightened awareness for no particularly stressful reason: it is simply on edge and tense. With nothing to react to and the receptors continually occupied, the body behaves unnaturally, hence the jaw movement of caffeine drinkers, and even the uncontrollable urge to jam on the gas pedal while driving. Alerting the body unnecessarily affects the emotions as well. What happens when a jumpy caffeine drinker who is chewing their jaws gets cut off in the middle of jamming their foot into the gas pedal? They get pissed off, that’s what. Hello to one of the causes of road rage, and tailgating for that matter.

I managed to get a grip on the situation for myself, but as for my driving, I was always able to recognize the problem of foot-pedal jamming; I drive like grandpa actually. In fact, using caffeine while driving, and finally understanding the neurochemical connection, helped me to realize what millions of other drivers probably don’t. I was emotionally tense, however, and I hadn’t realized how much the effect of caffeine augments the feeling of emotions until I went through some recently trying situations. When I counted up the dollars wasted on caffeine drinks, and the amount of frustration I was experiencing often as a result of participating in the American caffeine machine, I decided I had enough. I tried to quit once before, but I wasn’t serious. When I get serious about things, matters are different.

Mercy me. The feeling of withdrawal is a pain in the ass. I could only lay down for about three days because my head was pounding. As I write, I feel weird, and that can’t be good. Some of these products, combined with the natural dispositions of humans, humans like me who have inclinations toward a delayed gratification intolerance, can be a problem. Not only is there the aspect of not having what I want, but caffeine agitates the situation for an added profusion of discomfort. I hope that in a month or so, I will feel more relaxed, and my wallet will certainly notice a difference. Alcohol went out the door because I didn’t like it; milk went because I felt bloated; and now it’s sayonara Mr. Caffeine, the guy who makes me pay money to feel perpetually edgy.

Why I have to learn the hard way about these things, I will never know. I have an idea, but that can be fodder for another post.

In other news, the car needs repairing again, and I think I’ve simply lost my patience with that thing. (uh-hum….)

I am going to have to work through my senior year, that is all there is to it. The money I receive covers all my basic needs, but that is never enough. When I moved here, the rent nearly doubled, or I would have had a new computer by now. I am still working on the same…[difficultly behaving]…honorably and faithfully working computer I’ve had since 2005. I can’t scream, I can’t stomp my feet in the parking lot, and I can’t smash the payphone, so I have break my [ ! ] so I can try to save for something.

I try and love life though. I try to notice the things that are important, and Lord knows I pray that others don’t have to go through what I went through. (When I think like this, I feel like an anvil is going to materialize out of the sky and land on my head for some reason.)

Photo-blogger on alert keeps events from unraveling, and nothing settles the soul better than a few moments at the family fun day in the park.

Pony horses are probably the most docile animals I have ever seen. When I arrived they were in motion, but the round was nearly over and the attendant stopped them. All the little horses put their heads right on the white metal poles and stared at the ground. When the kiddies were loaded up, the attendant waved his hand and tapped something, and they all began to move slower than snails. They stared at the ground while walking in their circular procession, and the cute overload factor was too much for me. I can’t believe how gentle these animals are. Makes me wonder about the connection occurring between the children and the animals.

And so that is the story of my life, I hope everyone is doing well with theirs. I guess there really is no question about it, we bloggers live such interesting lives. For me and for now, it’s back to the patience of waiting out the elimination of these caffeine withdrawals, but really, who’da thought it would be such a nuisance?

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